The most painful season; Five Years Later

“We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if the thousand sleepless nights

are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life

are Your mercies in disguise”

Blessings by Laura Story

Five years ago, I endured what would become the most painful season of my life.  I hope one day to post more about the physical difficulties I faced in that time, but five years ago in March, I endured my first real romantic heartbreak.  Because of that, every year since, when spring comes, I always have a few moments where I look back and pondered that time in my life, and what I find with each passing year is that things look incredibly different in hindsight.

I’m hesitant to share things this personal online, but for some reason I can’t get the following words out of my head and my heart without sharing them.  Because it is so personal, I’m going to try to write this more from the perspective of what I’ve learned with only the necessary details to protect his privacy and mine.    The reason I’m writing this is because I know someday, someone may stumble upon this enduring the same pain and find solace in these words.  Or perhaps they are facing a different kind of pain, yet this will still comfort them.  I also write because I want to remind myself that God is faithful, even when our prayers are answered differently than we hoped; that God is faithful, and that even the darkest periods of our lives don’t remain dark forever; and that God is faithful to give wisdom in our heartaches, even if we don’t see it at the time.  I want to make it clear that I have forgiven him for the hurt he caused me and I truly hope he’s grown since the days we knew each other, but that does not negate the fact that it all had a deep impact on my life. 

My disease went rampant over the course of several years, and in 2011 my body pretty much gave out on me.  I started being unable to do this simplest of tasks.  The extreme fatigue and wear and tear on my body seemed to bring light to things that were already broken—including my first romantic relationship.  At a time when my world was literally falling apart, a person I’d come to count on, walked out of that world when it proved too much for him.  I was devastated.  Yet, I can see in hindsight that what felt like abandonment was really God’s deliverance.

Now, five years older and hopefully many years wiser, I can see how naïve I really was at the time.  My first love had come to me much later than it happens for others—I was twenty-three on my first date—which is probably one reason I gripped too tightly too it even when I knew somehow, deep down, this was not the right fit.  In my hopeless romanticism, I thought the fact that we were each other’s first loves was a beautiful, wonderful thing; but in reality, it was really one of the many reasons the relationship was so flawed.

As I’ve grown I’ve realized, I don’t want to be my husband’s first love—I want to Jesus to be His first Love.  I want him to be more committed to God that he even is to me, I want him to pursue God harder than he pursues me; for if he is doing these things, ultimately he will desire to please God and love me in the way he is called to love me, as Ephesians 5 so beautifully describes it.

One of the biggest mistakes singles can make, is that they try to make the person they are dating their savior.  The problem with this is that we already have a Savior who has overcome the world, and we don’t need another one.  Not realizing this can cause us to slip into idolatry if we are not careful, without us even recognizing it.  If God has marriage in His plans for our lives, we need a helpmate, not a Savior.  So many men and women seek this bond to validate themselves, and that’s always a disaster.  I saw how destructive it was to lean too heavily on him; but also how destructive it was for him to lean to heavily on me.  I was not made to be a man’s Savior, but his helper; as a Savior, I would surely fail, but I’ve realized in the last five years, I have every gift within me to make a good helper. 

That said, another thing I think we neglect to think about in relationships is we don’t focus enough on Spiritual compatibility.   I asked some very important questions early on, but I realize now that I should have asked more and deeper questions. Two people can be true believers and have two totally different views on what marriage will look like, due to the fact that everyone interprets things differently and everyone is at a different maturity level in their faith.  We have to ask the hard questions when it starts to get serious at all, to confirm if this is the person God wills for us to be with.  If they are not, we are wasting each other’s precious time and hurting each other in the process.  Some questions I intend to ask in the future are:  Is this someone who truly believes scriptures like Ephesians 5:18-33 or Colossians 3:16-4:1?  What do they think, feel, and believe about those verses?  How do those pictures inspire or encourage them in their future marriage?  What does Christ-like leadership look like to them?  Are they someone who is going to pray with me, encourage me through scripture, and invest in me Spiritually?  Do they bring me closer to God, or do they try to stand in the way and be closer to me than God?  Do they support my individual goals on Spiritual growth or are they jealous of the time I spend in the Word because I’m not spending it with them?  Do they make an effort to grow Spiritually themselves?  The fact is, who you marry is one of the most important decisions in your life and Spiritual compatibility should be at the top of the list to a believer when choosing their spouse. 

In hindsight, I can see that everything I learned in that relationship and the heartache that followed was worth it.  Wisdom is often hard earned and stained with tears.  I want anyone out there who may be going through something similar to know, this is not the end of your story but a perhaps a new beginning to the next chapter in your life.  Pray and seek God through His word; trust that there is purpose in this season.  Five years ago, I could never imagine that experience would be anything but a dark memory; but as I look back in grace God has brought even that darkness to light.  This may seem like a detour in your life, but it is not—it’s a divine path God is leading you on and if you trust Him, He will not let you down.

The last five years haven’t been easy; and I at times wonder why I feel such a strong calling to marriage when guys are not exactly beating down my door.  Yet, I feel like in this season, which in terms of dating and marriage, has been a waiting season—I’ve grown more than I could have ever expected and I thank God for that.  At the time of my breakup, I thought it was a cruel joke that it happened in Spring when everything was alive and new; now I see that it was incredibly appropriate, because in that ending, there was also a beginning—a beginning to a new, wiser and better me.