Lately it becomes more and more apparent to me that I even I took some things for granted during my spell of "good health." A few years ago, I was a lot less limited than I am now. Even then I wasn't as strong as the "normal" young adult, but I managed to do things that are now just impossible. It can be frustrating and discouraging to want to do things and not to be able to do them.
In AWANA last year I often felt horrible that I couldn't pick any of the kids up when they cried. I use to be able to do that. I couldn't sit on the floor with them and play (I'd never get back up). The games I could play with them during rec time were few. I think out of everything that is what I miss the most! Not being able to interact as much with kids. The worst part is now that I'm taking drugs to lower my immunity, and it is a real possibility I'll have to give AWANAs up to prevent from being sick all the time. Just the thought breaks my heart! I love those kids. Not to mention that is my place of service.
The other day I started thinking of all the things I couldn't do or would struggle to do right now and I have to laugh at some of the silly stuff I miss. The funniest thing is that I realized the other day that I couldn't putt-putt golf too well right now and I felt this incredible sadness. I haven't done that in years, so I have no idea why I all of the sudden have the urge to pick up a putter. haha. I miss being able to run up the steps (I am still managing to go up them, but it is a struggle at best.) I miss wearing high heels! How I miss those heels. I was able to wear them to a wedding the other night and I was estactic--but even then I had to walk very catiously and they are only one pair of heels I can wear. I know this all probably sounds silly, but I really do have to deal with not just losing serious stuff but losing the small, silly stuff as well. It's easy for outsiders to say "aww that's no big deal" but try living without it and you will see how much you would miss!
In the process of all this I'm also sort of grieving my childhood. It is something I never did, and should have done years ago. It's painfull yet freeing at the same time. It is hard to know that I'll never get those years back. A lot of the little things most children take for granted, I missed.
Even while dealing with all this sadness, I am well aware that I am blessed. So blessed. I am trying to not take anything for granted anymore. I always thought that I didn't take things for granted, and in a lot of ways I don't think I do--but the past year has taught me that during that time when my health was better I really did take for granted that things would always be that way. I was blessed to have those years and I hope to have years as good or better in the future--but this time I am not taking a second for granted! Please, if you have been blessed with a healthy body--do not take it for granted!
The past few weeks have been frustrating and discouraging. The medication just isn't agreeing with me too well. It is a chemo drug so it is pretty strong. I hate that all my options pretty much mean I'll be killing good cells along with the bad cells. My disease steals so much for my life, and now the medication seems to be taking more away. But what other option do I have? If I don't take medication, I may not be here much longer. I know that it is that serious.
Through the 15 years of my illiness, I always just accepted it. This is my path. I still accept it, but at times now I question why. Not because I feel sorry for myself, but because I know this all part of something that is bigger than me. God has a plan in it all. As horrible as the past few months have been, they've also allowed me a lot of time to read. While I read a few things just for pure enjoyment, a lot of what I read right now is pretty deep stuff--and I know I'm growing through it. I don't think God can make us whole until we come to Him fully broken.
I know that I've now gone on and on a lot, and I want to say that I didn't do so to complain. I'm just really reaching deep down and trying to express the part of me I've tried so hard to hide for so long. I got so use to opening up about my disease to people and having a wall put up, that at some point I just stopped talking about it. But I can't expect people to understand unless I open up about it. I cannot hide or devalue the fact that my illiness has been a part in shaping who I am. It does not define me, and I am so much more than just this illness, but it is still part of me, and when I hide how I feel I'm really denying part of me. I don't want to do that anymore.
