The last five years have been, in many ways, the most difficult of my life. I can't and won't go into the intricate details-much of it is much to personal for a blog-but I can say the many setbacks and trials have left me with questions.
A lot of questions, that seem to have no clear answers right now.
Among the questions I wrestle with the most, is why I feel God has called me to be certain things, yet I feel no closer to living into those callings than I did when He first placed them on my heart. It makes no sense to me, and I cannot begin to understand it. Many times, I feel like I'm not fulfilling my purpose, like I've somehow failed God or myself. I don't understand it.
But I'm learning that I don't have to understand it.
One thing God has been repeatedly placing on my heart lately is that I don't need to cling to the promises I feel like He's given me... I need to cling to Him. There is a difference. Christ is the only thing we need to hold with closed fists, ever tightening so not to let go. Everything else-including the questions-we need to hold with open hands knowing the One who loves us and saves us will ultimately place in our hands what we need when we desperately need it. I recently read:
"Since God is my all-satisfying Treasure then what makes something good is whether it brings me more of God.
So when God promises that we will lack no good thing, he means we will lack nothing that would bring us more of God and we will have everything that would bring us more of God."[1]
I'm starting to realize how true that statement is, how marvelously simple and complex it is, all at once. If I thirst for righteousness, anything God grants in my life, good or bad, will bring me more of Him. That isn't just something that sounds good. It's a Bible-based truth-
"Matthew 5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. "
I'm also realizing that we are most hungry and thirsty in the Desert. The times in our life that seem dry and suffocating, those are the times God can use the most to satisfy our thirst and breath new life into us. We have a choice to let those times hamper our growth, or we can choose to wholeheartedly embrace them and allow God to work. We learn way more about deep trust and faith in the valley than we ever can if we only stay on the mountaintop.
Right now, I definitely feel like I'm in a desert season. Yet, I don't resent this season the way I did a few days ago. No, contrary to what the natural reaction is to it, I'm actually grateful for it. It's created a deepening hunger and thirst in my life, and God has already been faithful to fill that hunger and thirst. I know I'm entering in to a season of growth, and I'm excited to see where that takes me.
As for the questions, I'm starting to place them in God's hands. I don't understand everything that is happening in my life right now, nor do I need to understand. I don't need all the answers, because I already have the greatest Answer. He is with me in the desert. He is with me always.
Link to "Desert Song"
[1] http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/gods-promise-for-the-disappointed
