Embracing the beautiful

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You. – Psalm 139:13-18

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—  rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. – 1 Peter 3:3-4

I read not so long ago that we can tell what we deeply care about by what grieves our hearts.  There are many things that come to my mind, but one thing that entered my mind after I read this was the epidemic I see today—women who are chained to poor self-esteem and low self worth. 

One doesn’t have to look far to see it.  Sometimes their words are filled with self-doubt and self-hatred, and other times they say nothing at all.  Sometimes it is seen in their eyes, you can tell just by the way they look at you they are afraid to be seen and to be known.  It is a look I know well, because many times, I’ve seen it in my own reflection. 

The lies of the enemy

Every woman’s journey to such a dark place begins with a single lie, a lie that comes from the enemy of our souls.  He’s been targeting us since the beginning of creation, using his sly words to weaken us and draw us away from our Creator.  Don’t believe me?  It’s all there in the Bible--read Genesis and see who Satan set out to deceive first—Eve. His lies may be different now, but they are still lies.

I don’t believe I was born with low self-esteem.  In fact, if anything I was born with vanity.  I never seemed to doubt that I was beautiful.  It didn’t occur to me in the first years of my life that I was anything except beautiful.  While I’m thankful to let go of the sin of vanity, somehow I’ve found myself at the other end the spectrum.  It’s a sin to hate, so any form of self-hatred is a sin.  But do we really have to live in either extreme?  I don’t think we do.

The first lie I remember wrecking my confidence came after my diagnosis.  I went from a thin, frail and beautiful young girl to one whose body was completely changed and swelled up due to prednisone.  I doubled my body weight in six months.  I had no real control over this, as the medication causes the body to not just gain weight, but it also causes redistribution of body fat to places that are undesirable, particularly the face, back of the neck, and abdomen.  In other words, you don’t just gain weight, you gain it in a very odd, unnatural way.  My skin was also red, due to my illness, another factor I had absolutely no control over.  The doctor I was going to at the time was pretty heartless.  In effort to “motivate” me she told me that “you need to do sit ups more because little boys don’t like fat girls with cherry tomato cheeks.”  That moment, one comment, began a lifetime struggle with my body image and self-esteem.  How I wish I could go back now and tell my former self, “Stephanie, what she said is not a reflection of who you are, but it says a lot about the cruel person she is.”  But at the time, I didn’t have that wisdom and just took her cruelty as truth.  It was the beginning of many experiences that would send a message to my soul that I was worthless, unwanted, and ugly.

Finding the truth

My three-year-old niece is into all things princesses and dress up.  She is confident and radiant and secure in who she is, and it’s a beautiful thing to watch.

“I look wonderful!,” she exclaims. “I’m a princess!” 

I realized the other day that in her three-year-old wisdom, she’s living closer to the truth than I have been.

She is wonderful.  She is fearfully and wonderfully made.  And one day, we all hope she’ll come to know Christ, making her a daughter of the King of Kings, a Princess.  I love to watch her embrace and believe in herself.  The thought of her one day battling the lies that I’ve battled all my life, completely breaks my heart.  I don’t ever want her to lose her confidence, her light.  More than that, I don’t want to be a bad example to her in form or fashion.  I’m her “Aunt Stephanie.”  How I live has the ability to affect her. And I know it’s time for a change.

I refuse to continue living in the shadows of the lies I have mistakenly believed all of these years. 

Embracing the beautiful

Women were created as the crown of creation.  We were made in the image of God.  We are a special reflection of God and His character.  We represent His heart, His beauty.  We have value and worth.  We have immense value and worth.  Anything less than that—it’s a lie.  I may struggle with the lies for the rest of my life, but I’m going to do all I can to seek healing in this area.  I’m tired of living a life that is less than the best God has planned for me.  I’m not sure exactly what all God has planned for my life, but I’m certain that I can be much more effective in my purpose if I start embracing who He says I am, if I allow Him to take those broken parts of me and heal them into something beautiful.  I’m tired of embracing the lies; For the first time in my life I'm embracing the truth; I’m embracing the beautiful.

To all the ladies who are reading this—if any of this resonates with you, I strongly encourage you to seek healing.  It may be a long road.  I know I still have a long way to go, but I’m not giving up.  Actively seek healing.  Find every Biblical resource you can to overcome this area of your life.  I highly, highly recommend “Captivating” by John and Staci Eldredge.  Don’t forget, you are loved, you are special, and you have value and worth.