A note to my single friends on Valentine's ...

"We don’t have many accounts in Scripture of how various couples met and married, but we do have the stories of Rebekah and Ruth to consider. These were women of godly initiative in the fact that they noticed the needs of others around them and they worked hard to meet them. When the Lord decided to introduce them to their future husbands, these two women were serving, not hunting. We can trust God with our desires, even when we don’t see any activity and we’re not receiving any answers to our prayers. For this reason, I find great comfort in two intimate, poignant accounts of how the Lord blessed single women in the Bible.

We must never forget that God’s silences are not his rejections.

 They are preparation for a greater revelation of him.

What a tender, compassionate, and personal God we serve! We have to keep that truth about his character foremost in our minds as we wait on him. It’s never easy to do. We will be tested and tempted in that wait. We will also grow in trusting God with this hope deferred if we do not succumb to bitterness and unbelief."-`Carolyn McCulley

I used to hate Valentine’s Day.  Not just because I was single, but because I always seemed to have the worst luck on Valentine’s Day.

The first Valentine’s Day I remember getting a gift, was third grade.  That was great…until I realized he’d given several other girls the same gift.  Even in my 3^rd grade head, that did not seem right!  It definitely did not make me feel special and unique to him, but instead like I was just one of many. 

Then there were the many Valentine’s that were just lonely, because my illness made me isolated.  I felt very left out of Valentine’s all the way around.

The saddest Valentine’s day I can remember was when one of my friends moved away on Valentine’s, at a time in my life where I only had a few friends.  I’m sure there were other Valentines that were equally as hard that I can’t remember at this moment.

When I finally had my first relationship, I thought “this is the year I’ll have a GREAT Valentine’s Day”….what happened instead is that we had our first, really terrible fight.  Of the three Valentine’s I had a “Valentine”, two were absolutely miserable.  There are worse things than being single on Valentine’s, and dating someone and knowing you are with the wrong person is one of them.  Trust me.

Valentine’s Day can be really hard on the single, especially those of us who feel called to be married.  It seems like a reminder that we are single.  For me, I doubt my calling and it can quickly unravel to a crisis of faith if I let it.  And yet I remind myself, that I must trust God with this, and hope that in time, I’ll have some answers to the questions. 

I’ve found in recent years, this day doesn’t have to be a hard day. I’ve been blessed the last two years to spend time with family and friends over Valentine’s weekend.  Last year I went to a movie—the first movie I’d been to in at least 4 years—with my mom and two friends I grew up with; this year, I was able to spend some time fellowshipping the Saturday before Valentine’s with some friends God brought to me in more recent years.  It reminds me that all love should be celebrated, not just the romantic kind.  And instead of heart of bitterness and confusion, I have a heart of gratitude and joy.  The latter is much better.

If you are currently single today, I want to share some things the Holy Spirit has encouraged my heart with today—these are things I feel are beneficial to us whether we are single for a lifetime or single for a season.

Trust that God’s plan and timing is perfect—while we may not see the reason for our singledness, God is Sovereign and His Will is perfect.  He has a reason for this season in your life, whether it only last a few more months, a few years, or never changes.  Trust that He is good and that He doesn’t withhold the best from His children.  Allow Him to use you and be glorified in you now.

Serve others today. – There are people all around you hurting, in need of love and grace.  Whether married or not, we are blessed with opportunities and the ability to show others Christ like love today.  If marriage is in the cards for us, learning to sacrificially love and serve others today, will enhance and strengthen our relationships with our spouses tomorrow.

Invest in yourself.—While we need to humbly love and consider others better than ourselves, we still need to “tend to our own garden.”  What in your life do you need healing from?  What areas do you need to grow in?  How can you become more Christ like?  Asking ourselves these questions and seeking the answers does not make us selfish, but instead helps us to be full enough and strong enough to pour our lives into others.  And once again, this will benefit us if marriage is part of God’s plan for our lives.  I think it’s impossible to go into a marriage without at least some baggage—we live in a broken world with broken people and we all have a past where we have been hurt by both our own sin and the sins of others—so we always, in some way, carry that with us.  However, I think with time and work, we can make the “baggage” more of a carry on and less of a multi-piece set.

Remember your value.—I’m preaching to myself here, because I struggle the most with this one.  A friend of mine recently posted that the worst part about being single on Valentine’s day are the lies we tell ourselves.  When we aren’t “chosen” by someone, we can feel that it says something about our worth and value, and I think woman especially struggle with this one.  On those moments we feel overlooked, we have to remind ourselves that we already have been chosen—that God sent his Son to die in our place, and that He chooses us to see His glory displayed.  Not only are we chosen, but we are accepted, valued, cherished, adored, and loved, and that will remain true even if we are single for the rest of our lives.  And once again, if we one day marry, finding our identity and worth in God will take a whole lot of pressure off our spouses to feel like they need to fill that void. 

Most of all, I want you to know you are loved.  By Christ and by me. 

Happy Valentine’s Friends!

Love Suffers Long

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. -1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13 KJV

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. -1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13 NKJV

Love doesn't avoid suffering, love embraces the hurting heart. It doesn't rejoice in the suffering, but it refuses to allow the one hurting to suffer alone. Love beckons "if you ache, I ache." Love continuously puts the other first regardless of what they are facing, eagerly giving and sacrificing with all that's in them. Love knows that in this world there will be pain and it knows it cannot stop that, but does what it can to nurture and heal. Love hopes and perseveres even in the midst of long suffering, becoming more patient and growing deeper with each and every pain. Love doesn't avoid suffering. Love doesn't leave. –a journal entry of mine from November 2014

When I think of beautiful love stories, I don’t think of the typical, ideal, perfect love stories.  The stories where it seems that everything is easy and that love means “you don’t have to try.”

No, no….the most beautiful and Christ like love stories involve suffering. 

When I think of beautiful love stories, I think of people like Joni & Ken.  Joni is a world known speaker, author, and disability advocate who became a quadriplegic through a diving accident at age 17.  Joni is a modern day hero of the faith, championing others with disabilities, and so many disabled people all over the world know the name of “Jesus” because of her ministry.  Then there is Ken, who I’ve heard say on more than one occasion “I’m married to a beautiful woman who just happens to be in a wheelchair.”  He will quote 1 Samuel 16:7 (But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.) and proudly say, “that’s Joni. She’s in a wheelchair, but that’s not who she is, she is a beautiful heart and soul.”

I think of Jay and Katherine Wolf who had their lives turned upside down when Katherine had a nearly fatal stroke at 26, after only being married for a few years.  Jay will say, it has not been easy, but Katherine is MORE beautiful to him now than she was before the stroke, because of how her suffering has refined her.  Like Joni and Ken, they are also modern day heroes of the faith. 

And I think of two more heroes of the faith, Nick and Kanae Vujicic.  Nick was born without arms or legs, and wondered if his condition would mean that he would never marry.  Yet, one look at them and you can see the adoration of Kanae towards her husband.  It’s in her eyes.  They absolutely glow around one another and it’s beautiful.

The reasons I love these stories, is because each couple I listed has an individual with a life changing disability or condition; and their spouses love them more in their suffering, not less.  They see that person as a precious soul, someone they are blessed to spend their life with, not someone who is a burden or not worth loving due to their suffering. It’s how I pray I’ll be loved one day—and more than that, it’s how I pray I will love one day.  The thought of my future beloved suffering in the now is when I long to be with him the most…for I don’t think true, Christ like love rejects suffering, but instead embraces it.

We live in a world that says ‘suffering and love’ don’t go together.  Divorce rates are much higher in situations where there is a disability, chronic illness, or life changing injury.  Many people dealing with physical suffering are often rejected more because they have some sort of lifelong condition than they are because of the person that they are.  On more than one occasion, I’ve had guys act clearly interested in me…until I shared with them that the illness I have will most likely be lifelong, and then I never hear from them again.  I can’t remember a time when I’ve even gotten an “I’m praying for you” or explanation in these situations….just silence.  It’s something that often has greatly damaged my self esteem, though the older I get the more I realize this has way more to do with their weaknesses than mine. 

While the world says, suffering and love don’t go together, the Bible says the complete opposite.

When we hear 1 Corinthians 13 (the “love chapter”) quoted, we most often hear verse 4 begin with “love is patient.”  However, if you read the original KJV, verse four begins as “charity suffereth long.”  In more contemporary terms, the NKJV says “love suffers long.”  After reading that, I felt in many ways “love is patient” greatly cheapens the verse.  The picture of “love suffers long” is much deeper, and more moving.  It’s much more sacrificial and giving.  Now, this is how we are called to love all, not just our spouses; but today on Valentine’s day I’m going to speak more in terms of romantic love.

So many people get married and think of the good promises in their vows, contrary to what they may say.  They are not standing up there truly meaning the parts about loving that person in the “worse, poor, or sickness.”  They are thinking about the “better, rich, and health” times.  Yet, we are far wiser to think of the hard promises over the easy ones. Why?

….Because Love Suffers Long.  True love doesn’t run from suffering… it holds on tighter in the face of suffering.

I find it incredibly interesting that out of all of the other things love should be, the first part of the description is “love suffers long.”  And true love, true love does.  Not only does it begin with “love suffers long,” the section that describes what love is and what it is not, ends with (in verse 7) “endures all things.”  Therefore, the Bible’s description of Love begins with “Love Suffers Long,” and ends with “Endures All Things.”   Verse eight goes onto say, that it fails not, and verse 13 goes onto say that of faith, hope, and love, the greatest is love.   This shows us that love is not a fleeting feeling, but a commitment of the will to sacrifice and love someone else above yourselfeven when you don’t feel like it, and even when it is difficult. Actually, I think it means we are to love MORE when we don’t feel like it, and when it is difficult!  It is not a coincidence that this section stresses the enduring nature of love.  God knew our human hearts were fickle and that we would need these words to reminds us how to base how we love, because the way we love others should point to Him.

Christ died on the cross for us, and God’s love certainly does suffer long.  He is gracious to forgive us, and not one of us is Holy.  The only Holy human who ever walked this earth, took our sins, our greatest sickness, our spiritual sickness, and put those iniquities on His shoulders, and died for us so we could be saved, and that promise, that love, will infinitely endure. 

As a Christian, I believe that God has called us to mirror Christ (the husband) and the Church (the wife) in our marriages.  One thing God has placed on my heart in recent years, is that my illness doesn’t have to be a negative thing in my possible future marriage; no, instead it can be a great vision of the gospel played out.  If marriage is in God’s plans for me, I know just as Christ went through great pain to take on my Spiritual sickness, my husband will go through much pain in dealing with my physical sickness. While it grieves my heart to think of my husband having to suffer for me, I also realize that suffering is often the very thing that refines us.  While my life has been incredibly difficult due to my disease, it is also the thing that has made me the most Christ like; and I pray that if I marry, it is also important to my husband’s story of becoming more like Christ, and honestly, my biggest hope and prayer (even now) for my husband (whoever he is and where ever he is) is that he grows more in the image of Christ.  Therefore, my illness which most see as a liability is not a liability at all; but it may be a great opportunity to advance the gospel and refine our own hearts. 

I still have days that I struggle in my singleness.  I probably always will struggle some, until I say “I do.” However, I’m thankful for all God is showing me and teaching me in this time.  Perhaps, in God’s graciousness, He’s “delaying” my future marriage so that we can get a better start.  While I will wait, I will prayer for His wisdom and guidance and preparation in this season.  I will pray, that if He has someone in mind for me, that He’s keeping Him in His perfect Will, and preparing his heart for me.  I will learn to “suffer long” knowing that my husband will too have problems, and my experience of suffering will be a gift to him. For when he is suffering, I will know how to encourage and bear it with him; because love suffers long and endures all things and fails not.

Happy Valentine’s Day 

I read a wonderful article on the best thing you can look for in a mate.  I’d like to share it for my single friends, because it really encouraged my heart and I hope it will encourage yours.  There’s a lot of wisdom in it!

http://www.kevinathompson.com/the-most-overlooked-characteristic-of-who-you-want-to-marry/

Another blog that encouraged my heart, from Jay Wolf (who I mentioned earlier).

http://darlingmagazine.org/do-we-need-new-love-songs/